Addiction

My heavy drinking crept up on me quite quickly. It was almost four years ago when I moved in with my partner (father of my son),and along with him came a bar of every spirit and cocktail mix available. After completing breat-feeding I began to have a couple of 'swigs' through the day when home alone with my boy. It made the day seem more fun, and at first, I felt happier and more productive. I had to replace the spirit in the bottle however so my partner would not know, so I bought another bottle to fill 'it' to the mark. This began a vicious cycle as I hid the rest of the bottle in my room and hence began hiding my drinking and using it to cope with many other seemingly 'uncomfortable' situations in my life. Things like having my partners other two boys stay for the weekend. It helped me open-up, talk more, be more patient with the kids and even become more intimate with my partner. For a while things were seemingly good.
After about 8 months I was drinking about half a bottle of scotch a day and couldn't seem to stop. I sought counselling and was diagnosed with depression. The drinking continued however and was becoming more of a hinderence than a help. I now was becoming less productive and more angry and resentful towards my partner after drinking.
After about 18 months I was drinking almost a bottle of scotch a day. I decided to go into a 7-day detox. This kept me sober for a while but as I was not convinced I was alcoholic, I inevitably busted. I repeated this cycle of detox - sober - busting three times before deciding to go to AA and later, a longer term rehab. for 9 weeks. Still, I wasn't totally convinced of my alcoholism; blaming the relationship situation mainly, for my drinking. I stayed sober 4 months but again busted. One night my partner was quite annoyed that I had been drinking and we were arguing. As I had already lost my liscence through a DUI charge and was over the limit, I asked him to go to the shop (about 2km away) to buy some milk for our son's bottle. He refused however which fuelled my anger more. Very pissed-off with him I took the car out and drove to the shops. He called the police and I was done for the second time in six months for high-range DUI. After that I lost it. I drank to escape the fear, anger, remorse and alot of other bad emotions. I drank just so as I could forget and sleep.
After 3 weeks of this I booked myself back into the rehab. centre and detoxed for the fifth time. This was on the 22nd of April 2008.
The difference this time is that I have surrended to my disease. Regardless of the cause or reasons why I drank, I know now that drinking is going to ruin me and my life if it continues. I now know that I cannot ever drink again - one day at a time.
I intend to do a six month rehab. soon to work on my recovery and my disease. I am going to AA meetings most nights of the week. I find the fellowship is really helping me stay sober and sane.
I will keep my page updated on my progress, but so far I feel strong and motivated to 'do whatever it takes' to stay sober and restore my life. I am hoping, by working the steps, my life will become bigger and better than it ever was before I started my drinking.

Listening to good music, nature, a good joke. Reading insiring books and autobiographies. Sharing time with friends, writing. Playing with my son (3yrs), watching him dance and learn new skills. Eating good food (bummer about the wine), watching a good movie. Walking my 2 dogs, running along the waters edge at the beach, swimming, going to the gym, playing piano. Meditating, having a good dream, wearing new clothes.

Negative and judgemental people, control freaks, head-banging music. People who talk too much about nothing or that I can't understand. Responding to voice activated answering machines. People trying to sell communication tools when I can't even understand them (sure you know who I mean - but don't want to appear racist.) Liver, tripe, bad drivers.

Many types from classical to rock. Depends a lot on my mood.

Green Mile, Forest Gump, Pretty Women, Good as it gets, 28 days... Anything with a good story line. Don't go much for horror or violent movies.

Reading, writing, playing piano, going to meetings (since giving up drinking which was a time consuming, hobby-reducing activity), playing with my son (and everything else you do with/for a 3 year old), chatting with friends, walking dogs, exercising and going to the gym when I can.