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Loneliness
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By:
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alanoriley
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Mood:
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Thankful
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Date:
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Jan 16, 2013
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Music:
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None
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January
16,
2013
One
of
the
most
difficult
situations
I
created
through
my
addiction
is
loneliness.
Although
this
began
at
the
onset
of
my
addiction,
at
this
point,
I
feel
it
went
unnoticed
until
I
put
down
the
alcohol
and
drugs.
I
suspect
it
became
a
driving
force
during
my
active
addiction
but
from
a
conscious
level
I
really
didn’t
realize
how
lonely
I
was
until
the
drugs
had
completely
cleared
my
system.
I
remember
the
feelings
associated
with
loneliness
during
my
active
addiction,
to
some
degree;
abandonment,
desolation,
emptiness,
and
isolation.
However,
as
I
fed
the
addict,
I
was
able
to
bend
these
feelings
into
anger
and
resentment
and
denial.
My
addiction
had
created
significant
loss.
My
wife
had
left
and
taken
my
son.
My
fiancé
(whom
I
met
during
my
addiction)
had
left
and
taken
my
girls.
My
true
friends
and
family
had
created
boundaries.
I
had
yet
to
have
a
relationship
with
my
higher
power.
The
truth
is;
I
became
so
isolated
during
the
end
I
must
have
desired
loneliness.
Who
would
desire
loneliness?
I
can
assume
only
an
insane
person.
Insane
I
was.
As
they
say.
Repeating
the
same
mistakes
(for
me,
over
and
over
and
over
again)
and
expecting
different
results.
I
still
isolate,
feel
sorry
for
myself,
and
deny
my
needs.
I’m
still
sick…
By
the
Grace
of
God
I’m
getting
better.
What
was
the
root
of
my
loneliness?My
belief
that
I
was
unique,
that
nobody
could
understand.
That
if
I
ever
revealed
the
things
I
had
done,
or
even
my
thoughts
to
someone
else
they
would
certainly
reject
me.
Rejection?
Fear
of
rejection
played
a
significant
role
in
my
addiction.
It
was
that
fear
that
gave
into
peer
pressure
as
a
teenager.
Thankfully
the
fellowship
of
AA
and
NA
provided
for
me
not
rejection
but
IDentification.
It
took
a
few
tries
and
a
few
different
meetings
to
really
find
those
I
was
most
comfortable
around.
All
I
had
to
do
was
show
up
and
I
began
to
realize
I
was
certainly
not
alone.
I’m
happy
to
be
one
of
the
bunch.
Sometimes
I
get
more
involved
than
others.
Sometimes
I
still
feel
lonely.
As
time
goes
by
in
recovery
I
get
along
with
my
exes
better,
my
kids
are
closer,
my
family
is
closer,
and
I
have
even
rekindled
some
old
true
friendships.
What
I
will
never
lose
sight
of
is
I
can
truly
identify
with
and
understand
my
friends
in
recovery.
Today
I
am
grateful
for
the
friends
I
have
made
in
the
fellowships
of
AA
and
NA.
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