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Looking up out the hole

By: sarahrolls
Mood: Disappointed
Date: Jan 24, 2013
Music: watching king of the nerds?


Welp I figured if I'm gonna do this whole site I should probably start writing/confessing everything out through this blog. I am an addict. I have been an addict for many years. I have an extremely addictive personality, I've jumped from addiction to addiction, I guess I just never like to do anything half-assed :p har har, junkie joke. I know how and why everything has played out like it has, I had some traumatic events happen to me throughout my youth and never really dealt with it. Turns out my way of dealing with it is often times through really REALLY unhealthy things. I have found one healthy outlet, and, ironically, it's through writing. And I don't mean like this random stupid blog, I mean like poetry and stuff, but I don't really feel like getting into that. Cause unfortunately I kind of have forgotten about that healthy outlet in recent times and have somehow wound myself up in this predicament. I am addicted to opiates. Physically addicted. I've never really been physically addicted before, I mean I have, but not to this level. I never in a million years would have ever imagined myself to literally be addicted to drugs. I am a hardcore drug user, and I can't stop. I want to stop. Desperately. I hate who I am. And I think that's really what kills me the most. I have had poor self-image/esteem issues in the past, with an eating disorder, which all stemmed from hating who I was. Well you can imagine if I hated myself so much when I was "fat" that I literally almost staved myself to death, that I kinda hate myself alot right now for doing the things that I've done to keep up with this addiction.


I'd just like to stop for a second and let you know that my closest friends don't know any of this and I'm opening up on this blog as pretty much my public diary. I know I've done some terrible things as an addict but I'm on this site to find support in fighting my addiction, so please, if you're thinking any negative thoughts and thinking about making me feel even worse about myself, please just stop yourself right here and click out of my profile. I don't think I could handle feeling any worse about myself and I would appreciate it if you could not do that. So anyways...

I'm currently trying to fight off my addiction but even thought I've been puetting in good faith efforts, it's just not enough. I think mostly because I have no support system. My whole addiction is still in the closet, and my friends have no idea what I'm going through, they have no idea why I don't want to hang out with them anymore. I've lost interest in everything in my life. I haven't even seen many of my friends in weeks, and I don't care to. Going out with them is a waste of my money, as far as my addict mind is concerned right now. It makes me SO f@cking sad and disgusted. I miss my friends. I miss having fun. I miss having goals. I miss having A LIFE. I do nothing these days. Nothing but sit as my table and get high. And try to find ways of getting more high. Getting money to support my addiction. That's where it really shoots me in the heart. I recently started stealing from my one main support system, the one person who will always love my unconditionly. And it literally shatters my heart to pieces. I've never felt like such a f@cking horrible person until this point. But I still continue to do it. It's like I have two people running my body. I used to run my body, and I was a great and wonderful person, but lately somebody else has taken over. Somebody with no friends, no life, no family, and nothing to care about but this substance. This person is a f@cking monster and I want them gone. I need a straight up exorcism.

But there in lies the f@cked up problem. The never ending addiction. Quitting being addicted to being addicted. I've tried so hard, got so close, but can't quite seem to do it. So I'm hoping, actually praying in fact, that you people out there fighting the good same fight that I am, can somehow help me overcome this demon. I need it gone. I need my life back. It stole it, and I just want myself back again.

I'm sorry this is so incredibly long, like I said above, I don't have anyone to talk to about this, so it's kinda been building up for a long time. If you somehow cared enough/were bored enough to read all this, God bless you, and thank you, please message me or something. I feel like if you've read all this you atleast know me somewhat enough to help me through this fight, or can just atleast talk to me about your own battles, or just life in general. I could use someone to talk to real bad right now. In case you didn't catch that vibe.

Welp I think that's all I got in me for now. I think I'm gonna keep up with this whole blog thing, shockingly (jk), this whole writing thing has been very theraputic. But chyeah, please feel free to message me, or however this whole site works, I just made this profile like 10 minutes ago, I would sincerely and appreciately love to hear from you. Sorry this whole message is probably full of spelling and grammar errors by the way, this is a site for people under the influence right? ha. Hopefully over the weeks my messages will straghten out to be perfect :)

But anyways, I genuinely hope all of you have happy and blessed nights <3 stay strong everyone! I am here for you!

Sarah <3




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VIEWING 1 - 3 OUT OF 3 COMMENTS

January 25, 2013, 12:34 am

Sarah, First if all, find the time.  Secondly, find the time.  Lastly, aim and shoot!.



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I Can't, We Can
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January 24, 2013, 6:03 pm

Thank you for your kind words. I know my blog was kind of a ridiculous/drunken rant. It was just bottled up for too long. I've been looking into NA meetings near me, I really want to go to one. I just need to find the time, I know it sounds like a lame excuse, but believe it or not I do have a full time job and go to school full time. I really appreciate the support though, I think it's the main thing I need to really do this. I don't really have anyone to talk to about everything I'm going through. And I do have a couple of very close friends but I'm really afraid of losing them if I tell them the truth, and I know, a true friend would be there for me through this but I had a pretty specific conversation with one of my two best friends a while ago about heroin and that if I ever tried it she would flat out not be friends with me. Sooo that sucks. And my other best friend is also best friends with her. My friends are very brutually honest & rough people, and like I said, I don't want to lose them. Even though I'm pretty much isolating myself from them already. This whole situation is just one big mind f@ck and it's just so hard to get passed it. I've been a user for so long that it's more of the habit that's gonna be hard to quit. I don't know, I'm terribly lost right now but trying to find my way. Hope your path is becoming clearer and your life is coming back to you! Can't wait to get mine back again. God bless.



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January 24, 2013, 3:53 pm

Sarah,  Have you ever heard the phrase, "we are only as sick as our secrets."  It rings true.  When it comes to addiction/recovery your aim seems on target.  You've just got to pull the trigger.  Please remember this is solely one persons opinion and anything I convey that makes sense was previously taught to me.  That being said, if you have no support system, get one soon.  I prefer AA but find people in recovery, a sponsor, etc.  You think your friends don't know?  Personlly I doubt that, but if they're really your friends won't they understand, shouldn't they?  Yes, I have done horrible things while actively addicted.  Stolen money from my own mother's purse and told her I loved her as I headed out to the dope house.  As twisted as that is all she wants, all she ever wanted was to have her son back.  Should I hate myself, eventhough she forgives me?  The addict tells you, "I kinda hate myself", that can keep you in your addiction all by itself.  Do you want to continue to hate yourself?  Of course, not.  The only way to reverse that is to quit using or use drugs successfully, unfortunately I've never met anyone who could accomplish that, so they quit, hopefully before they die.  Drugs, herion exactly, is not my problem.  I am my problem, my brain comes up with some of the craziest sh*t and I listened to it.  I told me putting a needle in my arm was good for me.  I told myself it was better to spend my money on dope rather then food.  You can't "quit" addiction but you have a great chance of living clean if you recognize the nonsense we tell ourselves.  You hang in there and keep writing.  Correct spelling and grammar is not required or I would be toast.  Smile it feels good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Alan



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