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Looking up out the hole
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By:
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sarahrolls
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Mood:
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Disappointed
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Date:
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Jan 24, 2013
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Music:
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watching king of the nerds?
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Welp
I
figured
if
I'm
gonna
do
this
whole
site
I
should
probably
start
writing/confessing
everything
out
through
this
blog.
I
am
an
addict.
I
have
been
an
addict
for
many
years.
I
have
an
extremely
addictive
personality,
I've
jumped
from
addiction
to
addiction,
I
guess
I
just
never
like
to
do
anything
half-assed
:p
har
har,
junkie
joke.
I
know
how
and
why
everything
has
played
out
like
it
has,
I
had
some
traumatic
events
happen
to
me
throughout
my
youth
and
never
really
dealt
with
it.
Turns
out
my
way
of
dealing
with
it
is
often
times
through
really
REALLY
unhealthy
things.
I
have
found
one
healthy
outlet,
and,
ironically,
it's
through
writing.
And
I
don't
mean
like
this
random
stupid
blog,
I
mean
like
poetry
and
stuff,
but
I
don't
really
feel
like
getting
into
that.
Cause
unfortunately
I
kind
of
have
forgotten
about
that
healthy
outlet
in
recent
times
and
have
somehow
wound
myself
up
in
this
predicament.
I
am
addicted
to
opiates.
Physically
addicted.
I've
never
really
been
physically
addicted
before,
I
mean
I
have,
but
not
to
this
level.
I
never
in
a
million
years
would
have
ever
imagined
myself
to
literally
be
addicted
to
drugs.
I
am
a
hardcore
drug
user,
and
I
can't
stop.
I
want
to
stop.
Desperately.
I
hate
who
I
am.
And
I
think
that's
really
what
kills
me
the
most.
I
have
had
poor
self-image/esteem
issues
in
the
past,
with
an
eating
disorder,
which
all
stemmed
from
hating
who
I
was.
Well
you
can
imagine
if
I
hated
myself
so
much
when
I
was
"fat"
that
I
literally
almost
staved
myself
to
death,
that
I
kinda
hate
myself
alot
right
now
for
doing
the
things
that
I've
done
to
keep
up
with
this
addiction.
I'd
just
like
to
stop
for
a
second
and
let
you
know
that
my
closest
friends
don't
know
any
of
this
and
I'm
opening
up
on
this
blog
as
pretty
much
my
public
diary.
I
know
I've
done
some
terrible
things
as
an
addict
but
I'm
on
this
site
to
find
support
in
fighting
my
addiction,
so
please,
if
you're
thinking
any
negative
thoughts
and
thinking
about
making
me
feel
even
worse
about
myself,
please
just
stop
yourself
right
here
and
click
out
of
my
profile.
I
don't
think
I
could
handle
feeling
any
worse
about
myself
and
I
would
appreciate
it
if
you
could
not
do
that.
So
anyways...
I'm
currently
trying
to
fight
off
my
addiction
but
even
thought
I've
been
puetting
in
good
faith
efforts,
it's
just
not
enough.
I
think
mostly
because
I
have
no
support
system.
My
whole
addiction
is
still
in
the
closet,
and
my
friends
have
no
idea
what
I'm
going
through,
they
have
no
idea
why
I
don't
want
to
hang
out
with
them
anymore.
I've
lost
interest
in
everything
in
my
life.
I
haven't
even
seen
many
of
my
friends
in
weeks,
and
I
don't
care
to.
Going
out
with
them
is
a
waste
of
my
money,
as
far
as
my
addict
mind
is
concerned
right
now.
It
makes
me
SO
f@cking
sad
and
disgusted.
I
miss
my
friends.
I
miss
having
fun.
I
miss
having
goals.
I
miss
having
A
LIFE.
I
do
nothing
these
days.
Nothing
but
sit
as
my
table
and
get
high.
And
try
to
find
ways
of
getting
more
high.
Getting
money
to
support
my
addiction.
That's
where
it
really
shoots
me
in
the
heart.
I
recently
started
stealing
from
my
one
main
support
system,
the
one
person
who
will
always
love
my
unconditionly.
And
it
literally
shatters
my
heart
to
pieces.
I've
never
felt
like
such
a
f@cking
horrible
person
until
this
point.
But
I
still
continue
to
do
it.
It's
like
I
have
two
people
running
my
body.
I
used
to
run
my
body,
and
I
was
a
great
and
wonderful
person,
but
lately
somebody
else
has
taken
over.
Somebody
with
no
friends,
no
life,
no
family,
and
nothing
to
care
about
but
this
substance.
This
person
is
a
f@cking
monster
and
I
want
them
gone.
I
need
a
straight
up
exorcism.
But
there
in
lies
the
f@cked
up
problem.
The
never
ending
addiction.
Quitting
being
addicted
to
being
addicted.
I've
tried
so
hard,
got
so
close,
but
can't
quite
seem
to
do
it.
So
I'm
hoping,
actually
praying
in
fact,
that
you
people
out
there
fighting
the
good
same
fight
that
I
am,
can
somehow
help
me
overcome
this
demon.
I
need
it
gone.
I
need
my
life
back.
It
stole
it,
and
I
just
want
myself
back
again.
I'm
sorry
this
is
so
incredibly
long,
like
I
said
above,
I
don't
have
anyone
to
talk
to
about
this,
so
it's
kinda
been
building
up
for
a
long
time.
If
you
somehow
cared
enough/were
bored
enough
to
read
all
this,
God
bless
you,
and
thank
you,
please
message
me
or
something.
I
feel
like
if
you've
read
all
this
you
atleast
know
me
somewhat
enough
to
help
me
through
this
fight,
or
can
just
atleast
talk
to
me
about
your
own
battles,
or
just
life
in
general.
I
could
use
someone
to
talk
to
real
bad
right
now.
In
case
you
didn't
catch
that
vibe.
Welp
I
think
that's
all
I
got
in
me
for
now.
I
think
I'm
gonna
keep
up
with
this
whole
blog
thing,
shockingly
(jk),
this
whole
writing
thing
has
been
very
theraputic.
But
chyeah,
please
feel
free
to
message
me,
or
however
this
whole
site
works,
I
just
made
this
profile
like
10
minutes
ago,
I
would
sincerely
and
appreciately
love
to
hear
from
you.
Sorry
this
whole
message
is
probably
full
of
spelling
and
grammar
errors
by
the
way,
this
is
a
site
for
people
under
the
influence
right?
ha.
Hopefully
over
the
weeks
my
messages
will
straghten
out
to
be
perfect
:) But
anyways,
I
genuinely
hope
all
of
you
have
happy
and
blessed
nights
<3
stay
strong
everyone!
I
am
here
for
you! Sarah
<3
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