Stuff going on......

By: kizzy Mood: Mellow Date: Jul 08, 2008 Music: Nirvana, come as you are

Well today is a big kinda day for me...im going on a date! the first one iv been on in months, and i didnt even relalise it'd been that long untill today! Im not nervous or really excited or anything. Im not expecting much and i dont really expect it to turn into much. So, your probably thinking - why am i going? Well i feel like this fella went to alot of trouble to ask me  out, like it must of been hard becuse he is pretty shy!

 Im meeting him at 8 and i think we are going to go for something to eat. I think it'l be really interesting. Iv been texting him since last week and he seems like a nice guy, he is bit shy but friendly, and seems kind and caring. He works 2 jobs, loves car's and has never even smoked a cigarette in his whole life so i very much doubt if he's ever done anything else, which is a whole new experience for me as in the past most men iv been out with and boyfriends were either party animals or drug dealers.And as u can imagine that was great fun - they were in prision, had lots of issues and usually when they hit a new low i would go along for the ride ....all great fun - YEAH RIGHT! Well it was at the time, exciting to be with a real 'bad boy', but now id love a normal guy. No f@cked up situaltions, no mad issues, no addictions.Then again how would someone that had made an effort in their life to stay out of trouble, not get messed up with drugs and has a good job , react to me being a heroin addict? Well the answer to that is really in the question- How would they react? Well we dont ever really know how a person will react to a situation, alot of the time people suprise you by there actions, so im not going to dwell on it. Even though i dont think me going out wiht the guy tonight will ever really turn into anything more than one date, im not going to tell him or any other person because thats stuff that went on in my past and they weren't a part of that past so why sould i fill them in on it? Its not really someons business unless its what i am doing here and now. That opinion only came to me in the last few days after i got advice from the people here at the tribe so thanks for that everyone cos that 'to tell or not to tell' dilema was stressing me out a bit.

Everything else is going pretty well too, im getting on really well with my ma the last few weeks, we always got on well and were close but i have a bad temper at times and can get really defensive and arguementitive and  im living with my ma and her boyfriend for a while, so,  unfortunatley she is getting on the wrong side of me sometimes , which i feel f@cking sh*t about ,but at the time when i get annoyed i juust cant help it...but im working on keeping a lid on it at the moment!!!

Apart from that i still going strong with the detox, im down to 30mls from tomorrow , then in another 2 weeks il be down another 5mls.I havent really started feeling the effects of a lower dose yet but people say it happens when you get to around 20mls. I want to do this detox properly and never have to go back on methadone again cos i hate it, i hate it more than i hate gear, and thats sayin alot!! Well wiht the gear its more of a love/hate thing . I had a smoke last week, i know it was stupid but i dont really feel that bad about it, it was on my mind a bit and i just did it. But it was absloutley sh*t! i didnt even get properly stoned off it even though i hadnt taken my methadone for a day before it so when i idid it i was 2 days off it. Im actaully glad i did it , because like i said it was a load of crap so it just reminded me why NOT to do it instead of making me want more... Maybe im actually kicking the habit alothgether? It seems that way but i suppose only time will tell.

Im seeing my counsellor again tomorrow and after last week and the talk we had about my past im almost looking forward to getting into all that suff again., It feels good to know that even though i had painful memories and a bad past i can actually deal with it and reslove my issues rather than just keeping them bottled up inside like i used to.

Well thats all for now...