Addiction

I am learning that the past does not have to define who I am today, but I have much to let go of. I claim progress, but progress should be measured in terms of actual gains rather than by reduction of chaos. I'm working on it.
I have no family and the few friends I claim have only known me less than two years...for most of my life I have been a lonely man with a warrior's body, a poet's spirit and a wounded child's heart. I wanted to belong but because I never did, I was afraid to; I can communicate on any level with anyone, but still allow few to look inside; even fewer to look deeply. Only one, in fact. I am sometimes lost, sometimes found, always searching. I feel emotions intensely, so much so that for most of my life I have chosen to anaesthetize my feelings. Mostly as a result of my own choices, I have lived through circumstances and experiences that could crush a human spirit...God has seen fit to bring me through, while not unscathed by the experiences, at least with an intact heart and mind. Coming through horrible pain has left a mark on me. I want so badly to love and be loved but have very little experience with either giving or receiving it- I have always had an unreasonable fear that I am unworthy of love-- to such an extent that I have always sabotaged it. I have been lied to and hurt badly over and over by the twisted and broken people I choose to love, but I have learned that my duty now is to learn what self-love means and practice it until it is real to me...while at the same time not avoid giving or receiving love through fear of past experiences repeating themselves. My recovery has been an uphill struggle, every precious inch has been gained at great cost to myself and to those few who care about me. I am learning to let God have the direction of my life, and it is hard to practice. I know I must continually surrender control of my life to Him, because I will surely destroy myself if I continue trying to manage it on my own. Still, in the past year, I have found a better life than I have ever known; it is my hit-or-miss-but-keep-coming-back attitude towards this Program that has made such a thing possible. Today, I am loved, I love, I have a life and sobriety and hope.
I live.
That's pretty f-ing cool.

Living in the light, sunrises and sunsets, clear moonlit nights, the way a great song or piece of music can transport you; anything created with love for the enjoyment of others; the way a hug feels when there is a soul's worth of love behind it, the warmth of a certain smile, the fire of passion smoldering in green eyes, the feel of satin skin under my fingertips; the touch of hope that keeps us alive when the night is darkest; the sheer mischief of a kitten learning to be a cat; the look in a child's eyes when they know they are safe and loved; making people laugh; what I feel inside when I finally get something right.

The dark side of myself; my powerlessness to right so many wrongs or to even fix myself; drama and chaos mongers; anyone who needlessly causes hurt, especially to a child; liars (because of my own lies); people who think that an image equals a personality; people who make themselves feel better by belittling others behind their backs.

Alternative, some metal, claasic rock, blues, jazz, classical, reggae- anything but rap, pop or country

Anything with content, classics, anything empowering, imaginative, encouraging, touching the deeper spiritual nature and untapped potential of the human being, and anything that makes me laugh til I gasp for air and my sides hurt.

Pay it Forward; The Notebook; Message in a Bottle; The Peaceful Warrior...anything that has meaning, anything that touches the better side of our natures and encourages us to be more than we are.

Writing, reading, computers, my cat, doing unexpected, nice things for someone special.