Addiction

18...
bi-polar
schizophrenic
and addicted to blow.
just trying to make the best of what i have.
dealing with the problems im stuck with.
trying to get rid of the problems i can fix...


ive never said much ever.....
well now i think its about time to start...

growing up i didnt hav much but i dealt with it...
i had a mom a dad for a few years...
at a young age my dad was more interested in partying than he was me...
my mom was around but didnt pay much attention..
i never got to b a kid i was always taking care of myself or raising my sister...
eventually my parents split...
they found other ppl...
all i ever wanted was for them all to b happy..
but i always thought it would b with each other...
i blamed myself for them splitting...
to this day i blame myself...
i dont kno y but somehow it is my fault..
at seven i first was introduced into alcohol by someone at least thats wut i remember...
not long after that i found myself smoking cigs and pot..
not long after i lost my virginity....
it was all great but not enuf....
i thought that if i did more and different things it would fill the void in my heart...
but nothing helped...
i started to get into a very bad crowd at 12..
by the time i got to 14 i was highly suicidal and either drunk or high or looking for money...
at an early age i developed a bad case of insomnia i think that is wer my schizo came from..
for most of my life i thought of myself as just a paycheck to my mother...
i felt like i wasnt ther to her unless she found a reason to yell at me...
at 14 i was admitted into the psych ward for the first time...
i had went to the 4th floor of my school slit both my wrists and then proceeded to walk down....
i made it to the 2nd floor then blacked out and collapsed from loss of blood...
i was told that someone roaming the halls found me and they rushed me to the hospital...
they told me i was lucky.... to this day i still think differently...
they decided i needed to b admitted for my little accident...
i was in the ward for five days....
a week later i tried again this time they decided it would b best to put me into a placement facility so i could have a break from the world...
while in ther i was in and out of the hospital for 2 years...
while in placement i realized some things...
i thought that my parents did not love me..
well they say they did and that may b tru it might have been the fact that i didnt want them to love me i didnt want anyone to love me....
i couldnt let anyone love me how could they im worthless...
in the first week of placement i escaped for a week to the outside world...
i managed to get my hands on some blow.....
and that is where my life ended...
i finally got out after 2 years and 143 suicide attempts...
wen i got bak i was fine for a few weeks but then i started up my addictions again and i couldnt stop...
i attempted to slit my wrists but i was so geeked out i missed and just bled a bunch my mom found me...
all she said was u might want to get a band-aid on that....
at that point i was drinkin a bottle of vodka and an eight ball every day....
i couldnt keep money to feed my addiction...
i started to sell myself for anything i could get...
now.....
well i have nothing left....
i cant stand the thought of living...
im constantly depressed an going down...
ive decided to write one last poem then move on...
if anyone should care the poem is named..
"cold barrel kiss"
just to confirm to all that does not mean im going to shoot myself...
seriously old habbits are the hardest to break right...
ive been cutting since 13...
figure it out urself....
farewell to all...
and good luck..
i hope it all turns out better for everyone of u....

hanging out, talking, parties.....

what ive made of myself...

Anything...
not country...
or rap really...
mainly all kinds of rock or techno....

Stephen King...
Insomnia....
The Dark Tower series...
Cut...
Impulse....

blow...

living....