I AM JUST ANOTHER ALCOHOLIC/ADDICT DOING THE
BEST I CAN TO STAY CLEAN & SOBER ON A DAILY BASIS.
I FIRST DISCOVERED ALCOHOL AT 14 & LOVED THE EFFECT.
UNTIL I BLACK OUT THAT SAME NIGHT.
THAT STOPPED ME FOR ABOUT A YEAR BUT
A TRAUMATIC EVENT CAUSED ME TO PICK UP
ALCOHOL, POT AND PILLS AT 17 TO COPE
AND BURY THE PAINFUL MEMORIES AND NIGHTMARES
BY THEN I WAS WORKING & LIVING AWAY FROM HOME.
I WAS DRINKING & USING EVERY DAY BUT STILL MANAGED TO WORK.
AT 19 I THOUGHT LIFE WASN'T EXCITING ENOUGH
BUT THE TRUTH WAS I WAS RUNNING FROM THE PAIN
BUT I DIDN'T KNOW THAT..I WAS TOTALLY CONFUSED
AND AT ODDS WITH THE WHOLE WORLD.
SO I TOOK OFF TO SYDNEY THINKING
I COULD CHANGE EVERYTHING IN A NEW PLACE.
OF COURSE THAT DIDN'T WORK COS I TOOK
MYSELF, MY PAST AND ALL THE PAIN WITH ME.
I SOON DISCOVERED HEROIN, ACID & MORE PILLS.
I WORKED SOME OF THE TIME, BUT I NEVER LASTED
VERY LONG AT ANY JOB COS I WAS ALWAYS SO WASTED.
I PARTIED HARD & LIVED LIFE ON THE EDGE.
I WAS ALWAYS SO HIGH ON SOMETHING (COCKTAILS MOSTLY).
I JUST TRIED TO MAKE LIFE ONE BIG PARTY.
THE PARTY DIDN'T LAST VERY LONG & I FOUND MYSELF TRAPPED IN ADDICTION.
I WOULD TAKE ANYTHING TO ESCAPE REALITY.
I JUST COULDN'T SAY *NO* .
BY THE TIME I WAS 20 I WAS TOTALLY ADDICTED TO HEROIN,
MANDRAX SLEEPING PILLS
(anyone remember those horrendous things?)
AND GOD KNOWS WHAT ELSE, SO I MOVED BACK HOME FOR A SHORT
TIME TO DETOX WITH MY MOTHER.
AS SOON AS I WAS WELL AGAIN IT WASN'T LONG BEFORE
I FOUND MYSELF BACK IN SYDNEY DOING IT ALL AGAIN.
NOTHING CHANGED EXCEPT THIS TIME EVERYTHING
WAS FAR WORSE THAN IT WAS THE FIRST TIME AROUND.
BY THE TIME I WAS 21, I WAS HOMELESS
AND LIVING ON THE STREETS OF KINGS CROSS.
I SLEPT IN PARKS OR WHERE EVER I PASSED OUT
OR I WOULD BEG SOME FLOOR SPACE IN ANOTHER ADDICTS SQUAT.
THEY WERE ALWAYS ABSOLUTE DIVES, BUT THAT'S WHERE
I FELT THE MOST COMFORTABLE COS
THEY WERE ALL JUNKIES JUST LIKE ME.
MY SELF-ESTEEM WAS NON-EXISTENT & I FELT WORTHLESS.
I SPENT A WHOLE 12 MONTHS OR SO LIVING LIKE THAT.
DEALING HEROIN ON THE STREETS OF KINGS CROSS AS A YOUNG WOMAN WAS HORRENDOUS.
BUT I BELIEVED I HAD NO CHOICE & HAD RESIGNED MYSELF TO THAT EXISTENCE.
AS A CONSEQUENCE OF SELLING UNDER WEIGHT DEALS OF HEROIN
I WAS STABBED, BEATEN & LEFT FOR DEAD.
I HAVE NO IDEA HOW I SURVIVED THROUGH THAT HORROR.
IT WAS HELL!!!
GOD MUST HAVE BEEN LOOKING AFTER ME EVEN THEN,
COS THE THINGS I DID, THE CRIMES
THE LOCK-UPS, THE HOMELESSNESS & ALL THE BEATINGS ETC..
SHOULD HAVE KILLED ME.
I SHUDDER WHEN I THINK ABOUT THOSE TIMES EVEN NOW.
I MUST HAVE HAD A MOMENT OF CLARITY AT SOME POINT
COS I WENT BACK HOME TO DETOX YET AGAIN
WITH MY MOTHER (GOD BLESS HER)
BUT WITHIN A FEW MONTHS, AFTER SWEARING THAT I'D
NEVER, EVER USE AGAIN, I FOUND MYSELF BACK IN SYDNEY
DOING IT ALL AGAIN..NOTHING CHANGED.
I THOUGHT I WAS SO CLEVER THIS TIME THOUGH
COS I RENTED A VAN IN A TRAILER PARK TO AVOID THE STREETS.
HUH..ALL THAT DID WAS FORCE ME TO COMMIT
WORSE CRIMES & DO WORSE THINGS TO SUPPORT
MY ADDICTIONS AS I NOW HAD TO PAY RENT.
SO IT WASN'T LONG BEFORE I ENDED UP IN JAIL.
I CONTINUED TO USE AFTER THAT FOR A WHILE
BUT I EVENTUALLY WENT HOME AGAIN AT THE AGE OF 25.
I TRIED TO SORT MY LIFE OUT WITH SOME SUCCESS.LOL.
BY THIS TIME, I'D BEEN LOCKED UP IN 2 STATES OF AUSTRALIA,
BEEN BASHED BLACK & BLUE MANY TIMES OVER
(I've had almost every bone in my face broken)
I'D APPEARED IN TOO MANY COURT ROOMS TO REMEMBER
HAD BEEN IN COUNTLESS CAR WRECKS
HAD LEARNED HOW TO FIGHT AND THAT
VIOLENCE WAS A GOOD WAY TO GET WHAT I WANTED
OR SAVE MYSELF FROM BEING PUNCHED OUT..
(GET THE 1ST PUNCH IN & MAKE IT COUNT WAS MY ATTITUDE..UGH..)
I HAD BECOME A BETTER CRIMINAL AND
I ABSOLUTELY HATED THE WORLD & EVERYONE IN IT.
THE DENIAL IN ME WAS SO STRONG..
ALL MY PROBLEMS HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH MY
USE OF DRUGS & ALCOHOL..YEAH RIGHT MAZZY..NOT!!
I FINALLY PUT DOWN THE DRUGS, BUT CONTINUED TO DRINK ALCOHOL
AROUND THE CLOCK & USE PRESCRIPTION DRUGS.
( THEY'RE OK..THEY'RE LEGAL RIGHT?) WRONG AGAIN MAZZY.
I GOT A JOB & HAD MY SON JACKSON AT AGE 28,
BUT I ENDED UP UNEMPLOYED, A SINGLE MOTHER & A CHRONIC ALCOHOLIC.
AT THE AGE OF 40 I HAD A MASSIVE HEMORRHAGE
OF THE ESOPHAGUS & ENDED UP CLINICALLY DEAD (AGAIN).
I HAD BEEN ON THE LIVER TRANSPLANT LIST FOR THE LAST 5 YRS AT THIS STAGE.
THE LAST 4 YRS OF MY DRINKING (& SOME DRUGGING)
I SPENT MORE TIME IN HOSPITAL THAN OUT.
BUT EVERY TIME I WAS RELEASED FROM HOSPITAL
I'D GO STRAIGHT TO THE BOTTLE SHOP.
BY THIS TIME, I'D LOST MY SON & WAS ESTRANGED FROM MY FAMILY.
I'D LOST MY DIGNITY & ALL SELF-WORTH, BUT
WORST OF ALL; I'D LOST MAZZY.
I DIDN'T KNOW WHO THAT WOMAN IN THE MIRROR WAS;
ALL I KNEW WAS THAT I HATED HER!!
I HAD A SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE DURING MY LAST SUICIDE ATTEMPT
IN WHICH I FELT A SUDDEN DESIRE TO LIVE.
I HAD WANTED TO DIE FOR YEARS BUT SOMETHING
WAS TELLING ME TO JUST HANG ON A LITTLE LONGER.
MY LIVER SPECIALIST HAD RECENTLY TOLD ME I HAD ONLY TWO MONTHS TO LIVE..TOPS
OR THAT I COULD GO INTO LIVER FAILURE AT ANY TIME.
I DECIDED I WANTED TO DIE SOBER & CLEAN, IF POSSIBLE
FOR THE SAKE OF MY SON, BUT I THOUGHT
IT WAS WAY TOO LATE FOR ME TO BE SAVED.
WELL, THAT'S WHAT ALL THE DOCTORS SAID...LOL.
I FOUND THE ROOMS OF AA & THEN LATER NA AND
VERY SLOWLY MY HEALTH BEGAN TO IMPROVE.
I NEVER DID GET THAT LIVER TRANSPLANT;
I GOT CLEAN & SOBER & GOD DID THE REST.
I HAVE SEVERE CIRRHOSIS OF THE LIVER, BUT TODAY
IT FUNCTIONS NORMALLY & I'M REASONABLY HEALTHY.
YET ANOTHER MIRACLE BY THE GRACE OF GOD.
IT'S SOME YEARS ON NOW & TODAY I AM
ABLE TO LOVE THE WOMAN I'M BECOMING.
NOT ONLY HAS GOD RESTORED ME TO SANITY,
BUT HE HAS ALSO GIVEN ME A SECOND CHANCE AT LIFE
AND FOR THAT I AM FOREVER GRATEFUL.
IT'S AN ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE ALL THE WAY FOR ME.
I WORK THE STEPS, DO ALL THE SUGGESTED THINGS
AND I WILL GO TO ANY LENGTHS AT ALL
TO KEEP THE GIFT THAT WAS SO FREELY GIVEN.
I GO TO MEETINGS EVEN WHEN I DON'T WANT TO & I TRUST IN GOD.
I AM EVER VIGILANT AS THIS DISEASE WANTS ME *DEAD*!!
ALL I NEED TO DO IS PICK UP ONE DRINK OR DRUG
AND I COULD DIE, OR GO STRAIGHT BACK TO HELL
AND FIND MYSELF LAYING IN A GUTTER
OR LAYING IN A HOSPITAL BED WAITING TO DIE AN UGLY, PAINFUL DEATH.
OH, & THEN THERE'S ALWAYS KORSAKOVS DISEASE..
NOW THAT WOULD BE NICE..A WET BRAIN??..NO THANKS!!
BY THE GRACE OF GOD I NO LONGER HAVE THE DESIRE TO DRINK OR USE.
MOST OF MY STRUGGLES TODAY ARE TRYING TO DEAL WITH MY EMOTIONS.
YOU KNOW..THOSE THINGS WE NEVER REALLY KNEW WHAT TO DO WITH??
BUT I'M WORKING ON THAT..SPIRITUAL GROWTH SEEMS TO COME
EASIER THAN EMOTIONAL GROWTH FOR ME BUT I'M GETTING THERE..
ONE DAY AT A TIME....
