Addiction

My first drink was as age 11, I thought it was GROSS...somehow that didnt last forever, it was just a few years later that I job I had paid me nightly in cash and all the alcohol I could drink, thus I came into my own, my whole world changed and I began to create this world of smoke and mirrors my ego grew I became involved in sports and excelled on the outside yet remained that broken and insecure little kid on the inside, I made many poor decisions throughout my HS and college careers and then got married and stopped drinking for 15 years, ( I had no idea I even had a problem back then, I just threw myself into WORK and was never home, thus burning through a marriage and loosing a relationship with a daughter who is 17 right now as well as all of the jobs that a burned through at the time to try and find one that I could continue to grow in, as I would fast track in a company I would leave as soon as I could go no further. When I remarried, I have no good answer why I did, I thought it was for love etc...I see now it was just more of my illness trying to control, hold onto create, villify, and validate everything being about me...after 4 more children and what I percieved as a perfect life (yeah I was still working my ass of and never home, not drinking though but still on a "quest" for my purpose in life...I situation where I anded up with an abscess on my brain and almost died. I choose to look at that as a opportunity to do things that I would regret never having done, I went back in to the kitchens as an executive chef and soon I picked up a drink and even though my talents and career excedded even what I thought I was capable of, things got out of control very fast, I tore through everyone and anything that got in my way and took everything that I felt was mine or I was entitled too and for the firs time in years while drinking I became numb to all the emotions that were sittingon my chest i began to withdraw and become someone different again, the old self loathing insecure wretch that had been putting the wall up for so long... After that those 3 years came to an end I quit drinking for 8 months on docs advice, but I fought it all the way, I picked up again on december 24th of 2006 and I never looked back. I no longer hate myself for it, I realized that my life was out of control and I need not go into that here as I have written anough though you can ask at anytime and I will tell you all as I have nothing to hide. I checked into rehab with the full support of my wife and kids and family, now on the other side life is different, and I have changed peoples lives forever...My life will be different forever as this is a commitment to living and being ME! and Taking care of ME... I am a good person who made some bad choices...I am very serious about my recovery and greatful that I have this second chance at life...AA and the 12 steps are helping me to realize what my potential for living and life is...

if you are not finished going out and doing the same thing over and over then go back out...Use...You might make it back...you might not....Maybe you got another one in ya...I dont, I am tired...I do not want to do this dance again...SO go out and finish, you are wasting valuble drinking time and that is a SHAME to and Alcoholic/Addict...

Hey...Has anyone told you they love you today? WELL LET ME BE THE FIRST! and there is nothing you can do about it!!!!!


Are you willing to do whatever it takes? Really? Because that is what it takes...YOU WILL ONLY HAVE TO CHANGE ONE THING...AND THAT IS EVERYTHING....

Honesty, companionship, non judgemental yet truthful people. I am trying to figure alot of this out as I move forward with life...I got very lost in everything and am trying to figure out who I really am...and what I want to do with my life and what talents I possess...


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Pink Floyd, Yes, Peter Gabrial, Rush, Iggy Pop, 805, old Genesis, Disturbed, Blink 182, Lords of Acid, yeah I am pretty diverse you can even throw old school rap in there like Grand Master Flash and whatnot...Also I like some Eminem etc...

Still a struggle...I love to read and get lost in a book...

Right now I do like almost anything, I enjoy watching movies with others...its just nice to share ya know...

I spent a large chunk of my life in the food service industry and was at one time one of the most sought after chefs in Oswego county cooking for the likes of Hillary Clinton, and Viggo Mortenson to name a few. My time in the kitchen has come to an end and I am at peace with that...I have been involved in the Body modification community for many years, I have held ritual suspensions, ball dances and was have a piercer and tattoo artist for the last 10 years...Now I work in a in and Emergency Room for OH and am pursuing a career as an RN...