Addiction

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Hi! Great topic. I'll try not to ramble, but here goes. I have not had a drink since sometime around 1994, I don't actually know. It has only been the last few years that I am emotionally "sober". The problem for me and "the program" was that it is very selfish, and not being a selfish person, I allowed myself to be sidetracked from it's importance to feed the ego of another alcoholic. I put myself in a program when the booze and drugs and fights became too much. At the time, my husband said, "get out of there, you're not an alcoholic, you just drink too much". LOL I still get a kick out of that one. I stayed for the 30 days, did about 6 months then started closet drinking, denial, lying, etc. Pick an excuse for drinking, any will do. Soon it was in the bathtub at 7am with a drink so I could get enough courage to walk out of the house. This whole time, I didn't recognize that I was being the selfish one, that my drinking "problem" was all about me and my life and how it sucked.I was a victim!!! Also known as the world according to me...On the way to my sister in laws party, driving drunk, of course, I head-on'd another vehicle. Somebody was watching out for me, my sister in law came up the road along with several guests, and I was able to pass her my purse which just happened to have a 5th in it. And while they were trying to get me unpinned from the steering wheel, a lawyer friend kept saying, "you don't need to go to the hospital DO YOU< NO YOU DO NOT NEED TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL RIGHT? Walked away with a ticket because my BMW was too bent to open the glove compartment and show the cops my registration. The other people were ok thank God, as one was already paralyzed from the waist down and they were both elderly. Still can't forgive myself for that. Husband said, "you know what you have to do now right". So back home, pack and off to Booze camp.

By this time I had understood the miracles that had happened. That I could have killed someone, gone to jail, Etc. Etc., Etc. Was happy joyous and free just to be somewhere else, and got to be someone else too. Everyone thought I was some kind of freakin' princess because I wasn't a street person and had never been hooked on heroin I guess. So sort of got bits and pieces inside. Husband didn't know if he wanted me back when I got out, that sucked. Oh Well. So here I am some 13-14 years later, and I cannot tell you how I stay sober. I don't know. I know it is a miracle and a gift from God. In the last few years, especially after my father's murder, and the birth of our two miracle children, (test tube babies) Something changed in my head and I wanted not just more out of life, but more out of me. I have always been introspective to a point, but usually in how I relate to others. If you want to know the inbetween points here, please read my page, blah blah blah.....

So now here I am with no pills, no booze, 2 beautiful kids, a sober husband, and everything else is a mess and that's ok.

But through this, I have had to take a good long look at myself, and decide who I was going to be. I'm tired of being the chameleon, fitting into whatever habitat I'm in. I'm me, take it or leave it, I don't really care if you leave it, and if we get along, swell. I have been sober since
1993,
I have had 23 operations, mostly so I could have kids but 7 including breast cancer sent me down the road of prescription drugs. And that was a new experience. I figured that since the dr. gave them to me it was ok. Some of them can really feed my addictive personality and when 1 pill quit working I just took more. My kids would call my husband and say "Mom's wiggly again" Once again, another addiction that I didn't feel I could live without, expecially since they really did take away the pain and severe back spasms. My husband is in detox as we speak, and I have not taken any of my favorite rx's, Soma, Flexeril, some new anti-anxiety pill they gave me that numbed me out (oh I forgot, if you take 4 they numb you out!) since I had my husband taken to jail on October 3rd because he was so drunk and doped that he was threatening suicide. It's a pretty tough time right now. We've been farming out here for 30 years and my husbands mother passed in Nov. The Dad has gone haywire at 80 and fired us, cut off our finances, is suing us for the proceeds of a vineyard we are selling, we've had to send our two kids, 9 and 11 to my mother in South Dakota because I can't support them and I don't want them around this firestorm. Some day I will be able to tell my whole story, not ready, nope. Think I just need to read other peoples story and have faith.

Well, I'm down to 3 prescriptions a day. 2 anti-anxiety and 1 for pain and inflammation because the back surgery caused paralysis and nerve damage in my right leg and foot. It gets unbearable at times, so I take the Advil, wait 3 hours, if I can't stand it I take 1 pill. The Dr. says that knowing me, I won't stop to rest, and eventually I'll really hurt myself. Duh. Like that hasn't happened before. At least I'm still sober and somewhat clean for today. Is there such a thing?

Snuggling my man, my son , my daughter.
Funny people, happy people, sad people, lost people, we are mirrors.
My animals, horse, 2 labs, 6 cats, parakeet and hand raised wild house mouse.
The smell of the river on a hot summer day. The shine on the river on a calm nite and full moon.
The river in winter, furiously fighting against the wind and tide.
Good books, good music, good food (chocolate)

False praise, liars, insincerity.
Mean people, rudeness.

Crime dramas, csi's, medical examiner, hospital documentaries. I quit watching the news cause it was just too bad to take. So now I watch mostly pretend really bad things happen to people that work out in the end. Just call me Scarlett, I'll think about that tomorrow....

Fly fishing, boating, hunting, music, animal rescue. I raised two newborn raccoons this summer. We had to shoot the mother because we thought she was rabid. She didn't appear to be nursing but the next morning I went up and made mama raccoon noises and sure nuff, pups. Tore off the side of the house and down came to teeny tiny little bandits. Raised them in our bathroom bottle feeding every 3 hours, They like to suck on your neck and my mother of 68 went around our small town looking like a, well, not very nice lady because her neck was covered in hickies. I still don't think some people believed her. Some of the men around here are asking where she went.