Addiction

Hello my name is Stan and I am addicted.


Starting from the beginning...


I come from an alcoholic and drug addicted background, my father was a guest in Nazi Germany's pleasure suites a slave labour camp.
His parents my grandparents where summerarily excuted and most of his family perished.


The scars and pain he bore lead to his demise from drinking and contributed largly to the mental and emotional instability of my siblings (myself included).


In order to merely function I found alcohol and drugs and throughout my life used a combination of a variety of addictions to just cope.


I am also of the Co-dependant persuasion as my mother was and is to this day attracted to men who are cruel,self centered and alcoholic.


My earliest recollection of drinking was my father used to let us kids sip his beer or would give us wine at the dinner table.


I lived most of my youth in a constant state of fear and anxiety, and this culminated in me having a nervous breakdown at the age of 16. after a christmas battle (physical) with my Dad.



Growing up on Potrero Hill in Sanfrancisco was not an easy task unto itself. As being in a melting pot of ethnic diversity, there was a huge amount of racial tension at that time and walking the streets was an adventure in survival.


My first blackout ocurred at the age of Nine years old when my brother in law (The local drug dealer)dared me to drink a fifth of vodka.


I remember (kinda) knocking the Christmas tree out the window and onto my sisters husbands Mustang.


My next big adventure in drinking came when at the age of fifteen having had attended a Kegger party at a friends ranch (We were all underage).
I found myself waking up early Sunday morning with blackberry bushes completley wrapped around, and of course my skin and clothes was torn to shreds, with the Mother of my friend, screaming at the top of her lungs at me, and his Dad in his Sunday best trying to calm her. (I must of looked like swamp thing)


As a teenager I slipped into and out of blackouts and puking episodes on a reguler basis,
I also took my Sister her boyfriend, my girlfriend up into the mountains in my 69 supersport Impala and went off a cliff, Gallon of Gallo wine at my side. When all was said and done the car was 365 feet off of the road, and had flipped end over end seven times !


How do I know this ? well after crawling out of the trunk (The car was upside down and the roof completely flattened to the door no glass) and crawling through Poison oak (worst case in my life)finally making it to the street, a little asian man wrapped in a sheet (from the local Commune)approached us and very excitedly asked us if we were ok exclaiming that we had flipped end over end seven times as he saw "Headlight go up, headlights go down ,counted seven times".


I am not into religion although being raised Catholic, and attend a Catholic school through grade eleven, but that day we must have had an Angel(s), (None of us had a scratch)



At nineteen I joined the U.S Army and for the next thirteen years perfected my ability to drink and function in society.



I obtained Rank in the military what seemed to me easily, but in hindsight going to college at night after working 12 to 16 hours a day was the impetus for promotion but another addiction as well (workaholism).


The girlfriend in the Car cliff episode above never spoke to me again and her mother threatened to sue me, but somehow that never happened.


My relationships suffered as well as I slipped in and out of the cloud of black-out binging.


Although when in a troubled mess, taking responsibilty for my actions was a means to get me out of it, but I do not think I sincerely took my role to heart as I always blamed the circumstances of my life on others.


I made choices irresponsibly and that included the affects those choices had on other people lives.


One of the things that I can really state that truly bothers me today is the frequency and total disregard for others, in my getting behind the wheel drunk.


When coming to the rooms I had known for most of my life that I am indeed an alcoholic, but I just couuld not accept it as it was a source of extreme guilt and shame.

I left the military after telling my commander that I was an alcoholic and he told me he was as well and pulled a bottle of whiskey out of his desk poured himself and I a shot and said "Tell me about it".


I blamed the military for my drinking and when offered a cash discharge took it !


I grabbed the first hostage I could and married her, and we moved to Northern California.
That marriage ended in a fuzzy surreal world of insane blackouts.


I somehow made it through five years of an electrical apprenticeship, graduated but became totally immersed in the bar scene, dysfunction my middle name and a favoured guest on the Jerry Springer show (kidding).


I met my daughters mother and we had the usual stormy relationship, so that did not last long.


I would like to stop at this point and change the tone of my Experiance to my strengths as "Sobriety" as opposed to active addiction is about balance.


As far back as I can remember I have always been artistic and a verocious reader. By the time I had reached 8th grade I had tested in reading comprehension at the College graduate level.

I had won several awards for my artwork and this included second place runnerup in a national Mcdonalds art competition.


It seemed my sibling and I had inherited an eclectic assortment of talents.
Here is a video I made with my sense of the never ending search for a higher power.

I struggled with that in early sobriety, religion just did not "feel" right and that goes back to when as a small boy I "knew" in my heart that we are are of something huge, but that something was not to be found in religion. (at least for me).




Anway here it is for my daughter Carley.





To be continued...


























I just finished this . I call it


"Set Free To Fly"




It is about dreams, I have many of those !

So you think it is Impossible.....
This tape will self destruct in five seconds.

Been there did that....

Thanks To AA In the middle of my life I woke Up !!!







Center Page Thunder




















Sometimes we really do have a clue what things "Cost"













We were "Toy Soldiers" weren't we ?