Well hello! Sorry I haven’t been around for a while. I have been away (physically, not mentally) and had too much going on in life to contribute anything to the site. I don’t even know if anyone reads my late night blogs – if you do, thank you, it means a lot to me.

I have been to London where I met a 69 year old ex-Australian ballet performer. He has been impersonating the Queen and singing in drag for 35 years. His name was Peter. It was one of those moments in life that seem to glow. I felt like a character out of a book. Instead of watching movies I was staring in one – and that always feels good. He was a nice old guy with kind and sad eyes. Maybe “sad” is not the right word – “experienced, wise and a little weary” might be a better description. I don’t blame him. Dressing up and performing in bars for half his life must be tough. We had a great time and talked after his show until I had to leave. I had an early train to catch the next morning and couldn’t stay out late. More to the point I have made a promise to myself not to get rotten drunk. If I stayed any longer I would have.

I did a lot more than meet drag queens in London, and that’s not why I am writing. I thought someone might get a scrap of inspiration from my week away. If this story is of any help, feel free to claim it as your own.I was sent to London on a training course with work. I dread these things. It’s not the 23 hours flying from my home in Sydney,  or the drama of not being able to sleep at the right times. It was the fear of meeting these new people that worked with my company in other areas. I don’t worry about strangers. I am never shy with people I will never see again. These people were different – they know people I know. Their impressions and opinions of me are lasting and will me shared. These are the moments I reach for a drink. Feeling nervous and anxious, feeling out of my depth – and desperate to feel numb. The first day was a disaster. I arrived and was outgoing, funny and confident – it is a trick I have learned from being in sales. You can learn to come across well and impress for an hour or two – but I was with these guys for 4 days! By the sixth hour of the course I was jetlagged, insecure and was asked to do a short presentation in front of everyone about myself. The perfect storm!I lost my breath, started blushing and stuttering. It was excruciating. I could hear the blood pumping in my head. My lips went numb. People were kind – pretending not to notice but you could see it in their eyes. They realized how afraid I was – more importantly, I felt they knew I didn’t feel good enough to be there. I felt exposed and damaged.The course finished at 7pm that night. Three hours after my presentation. I had been beating myself up for the entire 3 hours and hadn’t heard a word from the trainers at the front of the room. I needed a drink.Have you ever been so upset you can’t cry? All you can do is pace the room and ask why? Why did I freeze up? Why am I here? Why not get in a cab and catch the first plane home? I couldn’t get a drink because the rest of the group were in the bar downstairs – we were 30 miles from London on a country estate and I had no idea where to get a drink.So, I did something else. After being a part of this site and community and listening to your stories and encouragement - the lessons you guys have taught me reminded me to pack some runners and track pants. I put on my exercise clothes and went running.I ran and ran (and walked a lot). I missed the group dinner. I needed time to myself. I needed to be kind to myself – get my embarrassment and frustration out and then come back to earth. I did that.The next day I was fine and balanced. I apologized for missing the dinner the night before and blamed it on the jetlag. I had to do 3 presentations that day and did well.I also did something important for the following few days. I attended the training course – but avoided the lunches and dinners and other social contact with everyone. Instead I went for long walks and runs in a country I had never seen before. I found narrow country lanes, met an inquisitive horse or two. I sat in a field at sunrise watch geese shepherd their babies to a pond. I stumbled upon a little deer on a forest track and talked to an amazing “old geezer” who had lived in the area for 50 years. I did this twice a day.The point of this story (and sorry for the length of my rantings) – is that I might not be able to change everything at once. I can’t be more confident, more popular or less inhibited overnight. What I can do is change my behaviour and play to my strengths. That means not falling into my weaknesses – getting blind drunk because it makes the pain go away. The pain of my embarrassment of being me.By getting away and seeing the world around the conference I could get a perspective to my dilemma. I was in a beautiful place, admiring an amazing world, on foot, twice a day. The walks also gave me distance from the group – helping me stay more in control. This distance helped me to be more connected when I was at the course because I was more focused on the course.On the last day a funny thing happened. The trainers came up to me and thanked me for my contribution. They said I was outgoing, thoughtful and had a key influence on bringing the team together. You could have knocked me down with a feather! ME! The Forrest Gump of the course!What I learned was:1.       Sometimes you are going to make a mess of things – it’s going to be bad, but that doesn’t mean you are bad.2.       You can’t change everything at once – how you feel takes longer to change than what you do. If you feel you are a failure, don’t beat yourself up over it – focus on what you can do as a result of that feeling and improve that first. I could have gotten a bottle of wine by room service and got smashed – instead I put on my runners and beat myself up walking around the English countryside. 3.       Perspective is everything. You don’t get that at the bottom of a bottle, end of an ice pipe or tip of a needle. Get out of the house and go see something worth looking at.