Talk
about
rollercoaster
emotions,
I
just
went
from
happy,
content,
and
feeling
good
about
my
life
these
days
to
sad,
depressed,
and
hurt.
Is
this
really
what
I
have
to
look
forward
too?
ok
I
know
its
not
but,
I'm
hurt
and
I
don't
deal
well
with
all
these
feelings
sh*t.
I
was
doing
good,
just
had
a
good
call
from
a
friend
who
is
also
getting
clean
and
into
the
same
program
I
recently
got
into
too.
I
went
to
a
meeting
tonight
with
my
sponsor,
the
kids
are
being
good,
and
I've
got
a
wonderful
day
planned
tomoro
for
the
kids,
and
myself.
We
are
all
going
to
the
beach
with
my
sponsor
and
her
son.
So
why
then
am
I
miserable?
Well,
the
beach
we
are
going
to
is
right
near
my
Dads
house,
and
I
got
to
thinking
how
nice
it
would
be
to
message
my
dads
wife
and
see
if
she
can
come
with
the
kids
and
see
her
step
daughter(me),
her
grandkids,
and
so
I
can
see
my
2
little
sisters
and
my
baby
brother
who
is
going
to
be
1
year
old
tomoro.
Its
my
dads
wife,
Kathy,
birthday
tomoro
too.
When
I
first
moved
here
to
augusta
that
first
summer,
I
saw
them
all
the
time,
they'd
come
up
or
we'd
meet
at
the
beach
or
i
would
get
invited
down.
So,
I
asked,
and
was
pretty
much
blown
off,
sometime
this
summer.
Then
I
went
and
read
some
of
her
blogs,
and
postings,
and
felt
even
worse.
It's
like
I
don't
even
exist
as
part
of
the
family,
I'm
not
included
in
anything,
nor
my
children,
like
my
father
only
has
the
kids
he
has
with
her
and
not
a
grandfather
in
addition
to
being
a
father
to
her
kids.
I'm
hurt.
I'm
pissed,
and
all
sorts
of
other
things
i
can't
even
put
a
name
too.
I
didn't
get
to
have
my
father
around
when
i
was
growing
up.
He
was
in
and
out
of
my
life,
and
never
for
long
when
he
was
there.
I
suffered
abuse,
and
then
some,
always
hoping
my
dad
would
come
back
for
me.
No,
instead
i
became
a
screw
up.
then
later
on
in
life,
my
dad
and
i
had
a
relationship
and
it
was
pretty
good.
But
then
the
new
wife,
who
was
only
18
at
the
time
they
got
together.
I
have
always
been
supportive
of
anything
my
dad
did,
and
love
my
little
sisters,
and
my
brother
who
i've
only
seen
once.(mostly
my
fault
on
that
one).
I'm
37
and
my
dads
wife
is
31.
He
has
always
wanted
a
boy,
and
now
he
finally
has
a
son,
and
i'm
happy
for
him,
i
really
am,
i
just
don't
want
to
be
forgotten.
I
don't
think
they
ever
stop
and
realize
that
at
times
it
just
may
be
hard
for
me
to
watch
my
2
little
sisters
to
have
what
i
always
wanted,
what
i
was
desparate
for,
my
dad
to
be
there
for
me,
to
take
care
of
me.
They
get
him
every
day
of
theirs
lives,
have
never
known
one
damn
day
without
him,
they
live
with
him,
get
his
attention
whenever
they
want,
and
I
never
got
to
have
that,
I
never
got
what
I
watch
them
have.
I
am
not
saying
that
I
don't
want
them
to
have
that,
cuz,
oh
i
do,
i
would
hate
to
have
them
feel
the
way
i
felt,
not
for
even
a
second
would
i
want
that.
i
just
don't
want
to
be
forgotten,
I
want
to
be
a
part,
and
I
am
not.
I
known
i
am
a
grown
up,
i
have
kids
of
my
own,
and
i
should
be
over
this,
shouldn't
be
such
a
baby,
i
feel
sort
of
foolish,
but.....thats
me.
I
dont
understand
why
it
can't
be
all
of
us.
I
was
his
first
born.
I
never
had
the
love
they
have
from
him.
And
now
he
has
his
true
desire,
a
son.
There
is
no
place
for
me
now.
Things
were
good
for
a
while,
until
i
went
and
screwed
up
again.
but,
no,
its
not
all
on
me.
when
my
mom
died
last
year,
my
dad
wasn't
ther
for
me,
he
didn't
come
see
me,
see
if
i
was
ok,
and
i
wasn't
okay,
i
couldn't
handle
losing
my
mom,
but
where
the
hell
was
he?
I
called
him,
I
needed
him.
Is
it
so
wrong
to
want
him
to
be
there
for
me,
to
go
out
of
his
way
for
me
just
once?
Is
it
wrong
for
me
to
want
to
be
acknowledged
as
part
of
his
world,
therefor
part
of
their
family
too?
I
am
not
mentioned
to
their
friends,
I
hardly
know
anyone
on
that
side
of
my
family,
am
i
that
shameful,
that
i'm
not
worth
including>
I
feel
i
am
defined
by
my
few
years
of
total
chaos,
and
none
of
who
i
am
and
who
ive
been
or
who
i
am
now.
No
mention
of
me,
the
one
who
took
custody
of
my
lil
sis
punki
when
she
was
a
little
girl
because
my
dad
wouldn't
step
up
and
do
it
(his
daughter
from
another
woman,
she
passed
away
12/02/06
at
age
18).
I
was
the
one
who
took
care
of
her,
who
fed
her,
loved
her,
and
was
there
when
my
dad
had
the
chance
to
be
there
for
her
but
passed
it
on
to
me.
I
know
some
of
this
falls
on
me
I
have
my
part
in
it,
and
i
am
willing
to
face
that
and
try
to
make
it
better,
but
the
last
time
i
tried
to
tell
my
dad
how
i
felt,
it
was
a
disaster.
I
reached
out
to
him
to
tell
him
how
i
was
feeling,
that
i
wanted
to
spend
some
time
with
him
one
on
one,
i
wanted
to
feel
like
i
was
his
daughter,
and
just
as
important
as
the
others,
i
praised
him
for
sticking
it
out
and
being
there
and
keeping
this
new
family
of
his
together.
I
told
him
how
happy
i
was
that
my
sisters
had
that.
I
only
told
him
that
i
wanted
to
feel
like
i
mattered,
and
for
time
for
just
us,
father,
and
daughter,
to
talk,
spend
time,
whatever,
i
wanted
to
be
acknowledged
and
validated.
not
one
unkind
word
was
said;
but
his
wife
read
his
letter,
and
sh*t
hit
the
fan,
she
was
offended,
and
refused
to
come
up
for
christmas,
and
acted
like
i
had
committed
the
worst
crime
in
the
world
by
wanting
some
alone
time
with
my
own
father.
She
read
my
confidential
letter
to
MY
father,
and
boycotted
me
for
the
longest
time.
and
now
its
all
about
her
family
her
husband
her
kids...Maybe
i'm
not
meant
to
exist
in
a
family,
and
maybe
ive
just
screwed
up
so
much,
and
maybe
i'm
just
a
bad
reminder
of
all
my
dads
screw
ups
that
i'm
not
important
enough,
not
worth
the
effort.
and
can
i
really
risk
upsetting
"the
real
family"
by
trying
to
reach
out
to
my
dad
again.....
I'm
crazy
i
know,
i
am
lost
in
my
own
self
seeking,
self
pity......but
it
hurts
so
much
to
see
all
he
does
for
them
when
he
was
never
there
for
me.
Oh
well
there
is
so
much
more
to
the
story,
so
much
but
i'm
tired
and
my
eyes
burn
form
the
tears
and
makeup
running
into
my
eyes
from
those
tears,
so
im
gonna
end
this
whine
session,
and
call
it
a
night.
I
am
clean
today,
one
day
at
a
time.
I
will
talk
to
my
sponsor
tomorrow
about
how
crazy
i
am.
Tonight
I
will
pray...God
please
help
free
me
from
my
own
thoughts......to
do
the
next
right
thing....
for
those
who
read
this,
I
am
sorry
for
the
little
pity
party....
