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Jrf2112
"Show Me Don't Tell Me ------ Jason Addict "
My URL: http://www.addictiontribe.com/jrf2112
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Making a Difference-The NA-Way
| Mood: | Other |
| Date: | Jan. 02, 2007 |
| Music: | |
The
information
in
this
paper
started
a
few
years
back
when
I
came
into
recovery.
For
the
most
part
this
paper/story
was
written
and
completed
the
night
that
Neil
died.
It
was
later
turned
in
as
an
English
Composition
Paper.
'A
first
person
narrative
on
a
life
changing
event.'
With
as
little
editing
as
possible.
This
was
a
turning
point
in
my
life
which
I
sometimes
forget
the
importance
of.
Today,
Just
for
today-
I
do
my
best
to
make
a
positive
difference
in
other
peoples
lives.
At
times
this
only
means
that
I
do
my
best
to
not
be
an
asshole.
Neil
reached
out
to
me
The
N.A.-Way
and
my
life's
coarse
changed
because
of
him.
For
this
I'm
eternally
grateful.
Thiel
English
1110
5/21/04
Helping
a
Good
Man
Die
Walking
down
the
hallway,
I'm
filled
with
anxiety.
I
have
no
idea
what
I'm
going
to
find
in
Room
321.
The
doctors
and
nurses
pass
me
without
a
glance.
I
hear
the
television
as
I
pass
Room
312.
The
opening
theme
song
for
some
TV
show
which
I
can
not
place.
I
hope
I'm
not
too
late.
Entering
the
room
I
see
Neil
B.
in
bed,
eyes
closed,
breathing
shallow,
and
labored.
He
seems
to
be
asleep.
There
are
a
few
of
'Us'
sitting
around
the
bed.
I'm
thankful
for
the
familiar
faces.
Neil's
wife
stands
to
hug
me,
trying
to
smile.
I
can
see
the
pain
on
her
face,
which
only
increases
my
anxiety.
She
explains
to
me
what
the
doctors
have
said
..
"
That
Neil
will
be
'going'
at
anytime."
I
pull
up
a
chair
next
to
the
bed.
Neil
is
covered
in
a
New
York
Yankees
blanket.
I
have
to
smile.
He
loved
to
give
us
sh*t
when
his
team
beat
our
Cleveland
Indians.
He
was
a
true
New
Yorker
in
every
way.
As
I
sit
and
watch
Neil's
breaths
grow
slower,
I
listen
to
the
other
people
in
the
room
talk
about
their
personal
experiences
with
Neil
and
how
he
had
touched
their
lives.
The
atmosphere
in
the
room
is
a
happy
one.
I
think
back
to
the
night
I
met
Neil.
I
was
filled
with
gut
wrenching
fear,
as
I
walked
into
my
very
first
meeting.
After
21
years
of
"using"
and
spending
15
days
in
detoxification,
I
had
no
idea
what
I
was
going
to
do
with
the
rest
of
my
life.
The
drugs
and
all
that
went
with
it
were
gone.
I
felt
alone
and
isolated
in
my
thoughts.
All
I
knew
was
that
I
wanted
to
stop
"using."
The
Social
Worker
at
the
hospital
Detox
told
me
that
morning
to
go
to
that
church
at
7:30
pm
for
a
meeting.
As
I
entered
the
room
that
night
I
smelled
coffee,
and
I
heard
people
laughing.
I
looked
around
the
room,
seeing
people
that
appeared
to
be
happy,
I
was
surprised.
I
didn't
know
what
I
expected
but
laughter
was
not
it.
My
fear
was
out
of
control.
My
body
still
rebelled
from
the
lack
of
drugs;
My
insides
were
on
fire;
my
outsides
trembled;
my
skin
burned
to
the
touch.
I
could
feel
every
muscle
in
my
body
ache
with
each
step
I
took.
My
mind
ran
at
top
speed,
not
able
to
stay
with
one
thing
for
more
than
a
few
seconds.
The
withdrawal
was
still
on
me.
At
the
time
I
just
wanted
to
run
and
hide.
Instead
I
made
my
way
to
the
corner
of
the
room
without
making
eye
contact
with
anyone,
finding
a
chair
I
sat
down.
I
wasn't
sitting
long
when
a
large
man
approached
me.
He
had
a
smile
on
his
face,
a
little
sparkle
in
his
eye.
He
reminded
me
of
Santa
-
Santa,
with
a
receding
hair
line.
I
stood
to
get
a
cup
of
coffee,
trying
to
avoid
having
to
make
eye
contact,
or
having
to
speak
to
him.
He
stepped
in
front
of
me
and
said,
"Hi
I'm
Neil
and
I'm
an
Addict."
Then
he
proceeded
to
hug
me.
The
shock
must
have
registered
on
my
face.
Because
he
said
"Oh,
I'm
sorry,
at
our
meetings
we
hug
each
other."
I
was
speechless.
The
world
I
came
from
hugging,
or
any
signs
of
weakness,
were
dangerous.
It
was
funny
though
because
the
hug
felt
good.
I
felt
the
defenses
I
worked
so
hard
building
over
the
years,
start
to
come
down.
This
only
added
to
my
confusion.
I
felt
extremely
vulnerable
and
weak.
I
made
it
to
the
coffee
pot
with
Neil
by
my
side.
He
had
some
papers
and
a
book
in
his
hand
by
then.
He
was
explaining
to
me
what
each
one
was,
and
as
much
as
I
wanted
to,
I
couldn't
focus
on
what
he
was
saying;
all
I
could
do
was
try
to
focus
on
keeping
the
coffee
in
the
cup.
I
was
shaking
so
badly
that
I
was
not
sure
that
I'd
be
able
to
make
it
back
to
my
chair
without
spilling
it
all.
Neil
took
the
cup
from
me,
and
handed
me
the
paperwork
he
was
holding.
"I'll
trade
ya"
he
said
"Come
on,
let's
go
sit"?
Sitting
next
to
Neil
I
looked
around
the
room.
Everyone
in
the
room
was
talking,
laughing
and
joking.
I
felt
out
of
place.
I
remember
thinking,
"How
can
those
people
be
so
happy,"?
Even
the
idea
of
a
smile
hurt
me.
And
to
laugh..?
I
couldn't
even
remember
the
last
time
I
had
laughed.
A
month,
six
months,
a
year..?
I
didn't
know.
Neil
was
explaining
to
me
what
each
piece
of
literature
was.
I
heard
him,
but
nothing
was
registering.
I
couldn't
slow
my
mind
down
enough
to
comprehend
anything.
The
meeting
started
and
I
was
thankful.
I
was
free
to
be
distracted
again.
Before
I
knew
it
everyone
was
standing
at
their
chairs
around
the
table,
arm
in
arm,
and
I
followed
suit.
My
arm
around
Neil's
big
shoulder.
My
other
arm,
around
a
young
kid,
a
smile
on
his
face,
he
whispered,
"Don't
worry.
It
gets
better".
Then
I
heard
the
guy
that
opened
the
meeting
say
-
"Can
we
have
a
moment
of
silence
for
the
Addict
who
still
suffers,
that
may
just
be
in
this
room--
The
Addict
that
will
pick
up
for
the
first
time
tonight--
and
the
Addict
that
will
die
tonight.
Followed
by
the
serenity
prayer."
After
a
few
seconds
everyone
started
to
say
the
prayer.
I
moved
my
mouth
pretending
to
know
the
words.
As
I
was
grabbing
my
coat
Neil
handed
me
a
small
book.
He
said,
"This
is
a
Schedule
Book
for
our
area,
and
here
in
the
back,
are
the
phone
numbers
of
all
the
men
that
were
here
tonight.
If
you
want
to
"use",
call
someone
first".
I
looked
down
at
the
small
book
in
my
hands
and
saw
the
words
"Call
Before
Not
After"
printed
on
one
side.
I
leafed
through
the
book
and
saw
that
there
really
were
names
and
phone
numbers
written
in
the
back.
The
thought
of
calling
anyone
terrified
me,
but
I
knew
it
must
happen.
I
wouldn't
be
able
to
do
it
alone.
God
knew
I
had
tried
many
times.
As
I
looked
up
there
were
a
few
people
standing
in
front
of
me.
One
by
one
they
all
hugged
me.
I
was
stunned
and
speechless.
The
woman
that
introduced
herself
as
Chris
said
to
me,
"Don't
use
no
matter
what,
and
everything
else
will
fall
into
place."
I
nodded
with
false
understanding.
I
didn't
think
she
knew
the
pain,
and
fear
I
was
feeling
at
the
time.
The
guy
to
my
left
said.
"How
long
you
been
clean?"
I
explained
that
I
was
15
days
without
dope,
and
it
had
been
that
long
since
I
slept.
That
all
I
wanted
to
do
was
"use"
and
make
all
this
insanity
in
my
head,
and
the
pain
in
my
body,
go
away.
He
told
me,
"I
didn't
sleep
for
a
week
coming
off
the
dope."
Then
he
went
on
to
say
that
he
was
clean
for
39
days
and
things
were
getting
better,
and
he
was
able
to
sleep
a
few
hours
each
night
now.
At
that
point
I
realized
for
the
first
time
that
maybe
I'm
not
different
after
all.
Maybe,
I
was
in
the
right
place.
Most
of
all
I
was
not
alone
anymore.
Before
I
could
get
out
the
door
I
was
hugged
by
a
few
more
of
the
people
in
the
room.
With
each
hug,
each
kind
face;
I
began
to
feel
that
maybe
there
was
a
little
something
there.
Maybe
there
was
another
way
to
live
after
all.
I
had
no
clue
what
that
little
bit
of
hope
would
turn
into
in
those
the
next
few
months.
It
was
March
25,
2002,
and
I
felt
some
relief.
I
smiled
as
I
pushed
open
the
door
to
leave
that
night.
Neil's
breathing
is
very
slow
now.
I
count
almost
eight
seconds
between
each
breath.
It
won't
be
long
now.
I
wish
I
had
the
chance
to
tell
him
how
much
his
"Goodwill"
affected
me
that
night
at
my
first
meeting.
I
wish
I
could
tell
him
that
he
and
those
Addicts
in
that
room
that
night
changed
my
life
forever.
That
night
I
realized
for
the
first
time
that
I
was
not
alone
in
my
struggle
with
addiction.
As
Neil
takes
his
last
breaths,
I'm
thinking
about
how
important
it
is
to
welcome
the
Newcomer
at
our
meetings.
Our
literature
says
that
"The
Newcomer
is
the
most
important
person
at
any
meeting."
I
make
a
promise
to
myself
that
I
will
do
my
best
to
welcome
every
Newcomer
I
see.
I
hope
that
I
can
be
a
part
of
the
process
for
someone
else
-
The
process
that
saved
my
life.
I
hope
that
when
the
time
comes
for
me
to
die,
I
will
die
as
a
Recovering
Addict,
surrounded
by
my
friends
and
family.
I'd
like
to
think
that
Neil
heard
our
stories
tonight.
I'd
like
to
think
that
Neil
knew
how
much
he
was
loved.
I'd
like
to
think
it
helped
in
some
way.
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