I
go
to
alot
of
N.A
meetings.
Typically
at
least
seven
a
week.
Today's
meeting
was
very
difficult
for
me
as
it
is
at
every
meeting
where
a
Higher
Power
is
the
main
topic
of
discussion.
I
am
aware
that
the
program
states
that
a
belief
in
and
turning
your
will
and
you
life
over
to
a
higher
power
is
one
of
the
first
necessary
steps
to
recovery.
So
what
am
I
to
do?
I
am
an
atheist.
I
do
not
believe
in
a
god.
Now
I
have
been
coming
to
these
halls
for
a
while
now.
And
I
have
been
attempting
to
work
the
steps.
I
can't
seem
to
get
past
step
one
though.
I
am
not
willing
to
turn
my
life
over
to
the
care
of
god
"as
I
understand
him"
Because
I
don't
understand
him.
I
don't
believe
in
a
creator.
I
don't
believe
in
Jesus.
I
don't
believe
in
buddha.
I
believe
that
we
are
here
on
this
earth,
that
we
make
our
decisions
and
our
will
is
our
own.
I
do
not
and
cannot
believe
that
some
god
has
a
will
for
me.
Things
happen
as
a
result
of
cause
and
effect
not
because
some
higher
power
deems
it
his
will.
I
truly
believe
that.
I'm
told,
by
many
people
in
this
program,
that
I
will
not
heal
unless
I
change
this
belief.
Is
this
true?
I
refuse
to
believe
such
a
thing.
I
have
had
step
one
finished
for
over
six
months.
I
cannot
complete
step
two.
I've
read
it
and
reread
it
and
come
to
the
same
conclusion.
This
program
is
trying
to
force
me
to
believe
in
something
that
I
don't
believe
in.
While
the
step
doesn't
directly
say
it
outright
it
insinuates
in
the
questions
and
in
the
reading
that
not
believing
in
a
higher
power
is
being
close
minded.
I
have
been
brainwashed
by
parents
and
shrinks
my
entire
life,
and
I
feel
that
this
is
another
attempt
at
that.
I
feel
like
an
attempt
is
being
made
to
make
me
feel
like
I
am
wrong.
My
beliefs
and
the
way
I
feel
isn't
wrong.
If
there
is
one
thing
I
learned
in
the
years
of
therapy
I've
been
subjected
to
it
is
that
my
feelings
are
not
wrong.
I
want
this
program
to
work.
I
want
to
work
the
steps.
I
strongly
feel
however,
that
I
cannot
continue
the
steps
if
Becoming
religious
or
believing
in
a
higher
power
is
a
necessity.
Because
of
this
I
started
attending
A.A.
meetings
thinking
that
maybe
they
wouldn't
be
as
adamant
about
the
whole
higher
power
thing.
I
found
it
to
be
worse.
The
continuously
say
"God
of
YOUR
understanding."
At
the
end
of
the
meeting
the
chant
the
Lords
Prayer.
A
religion
specific
prayer.
How
is
that
a
god
of
my
understanding?
I
guess
the
bottom
line
is
am
an
atheist.
I
have
never,
for
as
long
as
I
can
remember,
believed
in
something
that
I
have
had
no
tangible
evidence
of
its
existence.
With
that
being
said,
where
do
I
go
from
here?
