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Old_crazy_woman
"today i choose not to drink i choose to live"
My URL: http://www.addictiontribe.com/old_crazy_woman





Mood: Mellow
Date: Jun. 13, 2009
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today was a very insightful day...i talked things over with my husband today..i talked things over with my sisters today ...and i found out ..that when life goes sour..dump it and start fresh..this has been a very taxing week..but yes, i did learn something, i learned that when my program and my higher power no longer work i need to find something that does..and i did..i looked at myself yesterday,  as i sat in a void, i didn't feel alone,i wasn't scared,i wasn't feeling anything..except sadness,a deep heavy sadness..i was looking at everyone and everything as my enemy,,from my point of view,,,,everyone can do as they want,do as they want,say what they want,,but as for me...i had to the walk the stright and narrow,,,if i so much as looked or said anything that wasn't set up by my program,,i was screwed...i got to a point that i just didn't care anymore...no matter what i did..it was wrong..so i dumped everything..my program, i said goodbye to my higher power,,i said goodbye to my soberity,,,

this morning i woke up at 4.45....and i listened to the quiet of the morning..i saw fog..but i also saw the fog being lifted up and then soon the fog was gone...today i took back what was mine...i made up mind to start over,,i no longer just want to be sober...i want everything that goes with being sober...not just what the big book has promised me...i want it all...i want to know,that i matter at the end of the day...today i have taken back what is mine...the right to say no...the right to be a child of the world,the right to be a woman..who can love and be loved,,,a woman who has friends and never has to wonder?? am i accepted?? because today i am accepted,,,,i hit rock bottom in my life this week...and by the grace of god...i stand in front of you all...a new woman..who now understands that no matter how strong i am...i am just  human...someone who can be hurt,,someone who can cry,,,someone that is not afraid to say...i'm done..i can't do this on my own anymore..and i need help...today i started on a new journey...where it's gonna take me ...i don't know....but as long as i put one foot in front of the other...and hold on ...i'm gonna make it...

we have cut all ties with our oldest son...he will not be moving back in,,,nor is he allowed to come into our house,,he will get no more money from us...for any reason...my husband as told him...you are on your own...and when that was said...a huge weight has been lifed from our lives...we are going to be riding our bike tomorrow, something tht we have not done in awhile...our youngest son..is going to his best friends house all day tomorrow,,something that he hasn't done in awhile...and no i'm not saying that this is our oldest son fault..and i'm not trying to say that we had nothing to do with this...because out of love..we made it our fault...we allowed things to go on with out taking care of it as it can up...we are now taking back what is ours...and letting the rest go...

as for my life going sour....yes it did...but i have taken back what is mine...i now know that god walks with me every step of the way...as for my program..yes i will live by the steps..do my meetings...but i will also live life on lifes terms..and not be afraid to look at the outside of the box...i have to learn that it's ok to take chances,,,,it's ok to just be me...thanks for listening to me whine,,,thanks for being there..and thanks for believeing in me ,,,when i no longer could...i have imbraced my soberity..i have felt the sun today..and i felt the tear run down my cheek,,,not tears of saddness,,but of forgiveness,of love,and understanding,,,i have a renewed faith, in people,in god and my program,,,i will make it another day,,,god bless  you all...i can't thank you enough for being there for me...all i have to give you all....

is my love.....thank you ...bertlynn..aka..old crazy woman






VIEWING 1 - 3 OUT OF 3 COMMENTS

June 13, 2009, 7:20 pm

thanks bertlynn ~* i appreciate your honest and open share. we roll with the changes, and then roll some more. you know? we get these wrinkles somehow. i'm glad you have some peace with ending enabling, that is a wonderful freedom. and with your own journey, i'm glad you're kicking in a new level of growth. hugs, Sheila



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The real macoy. Truly banana's.
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June 13, 2009, 9:30 am

 Wow Bear. Sounds to me that you hade one of those spritual awakennings. It's a blessing to you in my life today. Hope your ride today with your husband is safe and joyful.  Johnny Wheels  



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Life is all about the journey
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June 13, 2009, 6:23 am

dam dont read long blog's but u had me on the edge of my seat ! thanks for the upload of hope ! ill take this with me today as i wander through it ! L-U - Skag



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I thought i was flying so high above my sorrow ? BUT when i looked down i was standing on my knees!
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