SERENITY
IN
ME
THROUGH
AA/NA
I
have
an
elated
feeling
of
belonging
to
a
privileged
band
of
people
in
AA/NA.
This
sense
of
belonging
is
very
much
important
to
me,
since
I
didn’t
seem
to
belong
anywhere
or
to
anything
during
the
period
of
life,
when
I
was
an
active
alcoholic/addict.
I
always
lived
in
a
world
surrounded
by
empty
bottles,
glasses
and
ash
trays
full
to
the
brim
and
with
full
of
despair
and
fear
in
me
in
a
hungry,
angry,
lonely
and
tired,
hostile
world
of
my
own
making.
I
always
had
the
temptation
to
apt
for
the
easier
and
softer
way
to
get
away
from
this
world,
through
the
bottle/smoke/pill/needle
since
I
neither
had
humility
nor
responsibility.
Now
when
I
look
back,
nothing
has
just
happened
like
that
and
events
of
activities
do
not
happen
on
there
own.
It
was
always
the
result
of
my
careful
and
meticulous
planning.
When
questioned,
terror
and
fear
would
strike
me
and
I
would
deny.
Even
though
I
could
not
manage
my
own
life,
I
tried
to
run
others
life
and
that
was
clearly
an
end
to
my
self-seeking.
I
was
hoping
against
hope
that
I
was
not
a
true
alcoholic,
till
I
became
hopeless
and
drifted
into
a
tomb
of
alcohol/drugs
and
despair.
I
was
bent
on
slow
suicide.
I
was
very
clever
in
building
a
wall
between
other
people,
on
an
emotional
level
and
myself,
and
I
was
an
expert
in
that.
I
had
become
a
psychopathic
and
pathological
liar
and
strangely
I
also
had
a
sense
of
humor
to
do
it.
Communication
was
only
one
way
for
me,
I
was
in
charge,
I
told
every
one
what
to
do
and
I
made
the
big
mistakes.
After
becoming
sane,
serene
and
sober
by
god
through
AA/NA,
I
have
found
out
that
communication
is
an
art
and
a
four
way
process
which
includes
asking,
telling,
listening
and
understanding.
This
by
applying
in
my
life,
I
am
able
to
build
bridges
of
understanding
with
other
people.
Irony
was
in
the
beginning,
I
could
never
live
up
to
my
own
standards
for
my
self.
So
alcohol
filled
the
space
between
what
I
wanted
to
be
and
what
I
really
was.
When
I
walked
in
to
the
fellowship
of
AA/NA
in
1982,
it
appeared
to
me
that
it
was
a
short
time
course
and
it
had
worked
so
well
to
me,
that
I
had
reached
a
sort
of
heaven
right
here
on
earth,
but
John
Barley
Corn/Grass/Pills/Needle
had
other
ideas.
It
was
complacency
and
in
turn
I
was
trying
to
escape
life
and
not
mastering
it.
I
was
emotionally
avoiding
hazardous
situations
usually
involving
new
people,
places,
time
and
things,
because
I
could
not
cope
up
with
life
and
I
was
scared
that
I
would
get
hurt.
I
was
too
afraid
of
life
to
become
involved
in
living.
I
always
insisted
on
getting
involved
at
people
instead
of
with
them.
I
never
had
the
courtesy
of
allowing
others
to
grow.
I
was
too
interfering
and
argumentative.
I
did
not
know
those
exact
me,
a
sure
sign
of
confusion
of
self.
This
is
one
of
the
primary
reasons,
which
in
no
time
led
me
once
again
in
to
the
urge
and
hell
of
uncontrollable
drinking/using.
This
is
a
progressive
illness
and
I
proved
it,
and
second
half
of
the
first
step
took
care
of
the
rest.
I
was
not
ready
to
bring
myself
to
ask
for
help
since
I
was
too
sentimental
about
my
hurt
pride
and
insured
ego.
After
repeated
relapses
I
understood
there
is
no
possibility
of
my
staying
sober/clean,
on
my
own
will
or
strength.
Contd:2
[2]
During
the
active
and
practicing
alcoholic
days,
I
did
not
have
the
feeling
of
belonging
and
the
feeling
of
being
accepted.
Now
I
have
both
in
AA/NA.I
now
believe
strongly
through
the
steps,
that
serenity
without
growth
is
stagnation.
Through
sharing
and
AA/NA
12th
step
work
I
am
now
able
to
get
involved
with
a
people.
I
am
also
ready
to
take
a
few
calculated
risks
for
the
sake
of
progress.
I
am
able
to
replace
the
fear
of
hurt
and
failure
with
faith
in
god
and
value
serenity,
enough
to
take
a
chance
and
to
grow.
I
know
that
my
only
job
is
to
see
myself
clearly
and
release
myself
to
his
care.
My
present
compulsions
are
in
a
way
always
positive
which
gives
me
a
great
deal
of
joy,
acceptance
and
serenity.
During
my
repeated
relapses
and
binges
I
was
some
times
able
to
inhale
peace,
thus
cauterizing
what
I
had
come
to
decide,
with
no
respect
for
myself,
must
be
a
wound
of
my
life.
I
drank/used
as
if
I
the
great
river
of
my
blood
was
carried
by
alcohol
not
water.
I
was,
to
put
in
a
four-letter
word
in
it
‘mess’.
When
I
was
on
water
wagon
and
in
AA/NA,
on
and
off,
I
wanted
to
shout
from
the
roof
top
“I’ve
quit
drinking
and
using”
and
convince
every
one
around,
but
nobody
seemed
to
be
bothered
about
these
antics
of
mine.
As
time
progressed
so
did
my
alcoholism/addiction.
Now
after
a
great
struggle
and
considerable
period
of
sobriety,
I
have
found
out
the
difference
between
absolute
serenity
and
just
serenity.
I
have
clearly
understood
that
people
pleasing
and
opinion
seeking
is
not
serenity,
since
there
is
no
end
to
it,
need
to
seek
through
prayer
and
meditation
for
strength
to
fortify
my
beliefs
in
my
higher
power.
The
disappointments
in
the
past
were
in
reality
a
blessing
in
disguise.
Life
was
a
mystery,
I
realized
all
I
need
was
to
look
into
today
and
run
life
and
take
it
as
it
comes.
I
need
to
seek,
through
prayers
and
mediations
for
strength
to
fortify
my
beliefs
in
a
higher
power.
The
disappointments
in
the
past
were
in
reality
great
blessings
in
disguise.
I
could
not
do
it
alone.
Today
the
AA/NA
program
and
the
grace
of
god
have
restored
my
faith
and
I
am
sober
and
serene
with
the
help
that
I
find
in
the
AA/NA
fellowship.
In
trying
to
practice
the
principles
in
all
my
affairs,
has
taught
and
added
a
new
dimension
to
my
life
and
has
given
me
back
a
faith
in
god,
which
I
thought
I
had
lost
forever.
Initially
I
was
just
a
Zombie
walking
around
aimlessly
with
no
faith
in
God
or
in
Life.
In
the
beginning
when
I
came
to
the
program,
I
had
brought
with
me
too
many
self-centered
doubts
and
fear
of
what
other
people
in
AA/NA
and
outside
world
would
think
about
me.
I
now
feel
open
and
honest
about
myself
in
AA/NA
than
in
the
outside
world.
I
also
had
the
panting
desire
to
change
the
world
to
my
convenience
and
had
a
very
muddy
and
murky
ideas
about
how
do
it.
But
now
by
the
Grace
of
God
I
am
now
clear
eyed,
sober
and
cheerful.
Contd:3
[3]
I
had
been
drugged
by
drink,
by
hypodermics,
by
sleeping
pills,
I
would
fall,
crushing
my
head
on
the
tiled
floors
of
many
a
bathrooms,
the
marks
are
still
there
as
scars
on
my
face
to
remained
me
of
my
insanity.
In
AA/NA
I
have
found
people
who
had
lived
through
some
of
what
I
had
experienced,
and
these
people
have
eased
some
my
worst
feelings
through
their
sharing.
My
conduct
in
the
early
days
towards
myself
had
been
far
from
perfect,
since
I
could
not
stay
sober
for
any
given
time
or
specific
time.
When
I
woke
up
from
the
haze
of
alcoholism
on
Sep2,
1992,
life
was
a
mystery
realized
all
I
need
to
do
was
to
become
willing
and
meeting
the
problems
of
life
I
face,
while
staying
sober
is
the
main
point
and
for
this
I
need
serenity.
The
AA/NA
program
has
now
taught
me
not
to
want
to
start
again
my
drinking/using.
I
also
learnt
that
sanity,
sobriety
and
serenity
requires
scrupulous,
constant
surveillance.
I
am
gradually
finding
a
new
awareness
of
life
and
natures
beauties,
which
I
had
long
forgotten.
This
awareness
is
in
store
for
an
alcoholic
who
is
recovering
and
it
is
a
treat,
which
is
quite
overwhelming.
I
now
realize
the
absence
of
change
means
the
absence
of
growth.
My
life
through
AA/NA
is
serene
and
has
changed
for
the
better
“
One
day
At
Time”
.I
had
realized
that
stopping
drinking
was
not
the
happy
ending
to
all
my
problems.
It
is
a
very
good
beginning
of
a
new
way
of
life
since
I
found
out
the
only
person
I
can
change
is
myself
.Out
of
this
pain
I
have
made
joy.
In
AA/NA
sharing
everyone
teaches
me
something,
if
I
have
an
open
mind
to
listen.
I
also
have
something
to
give
in
this
beautiful
way
of
life.
My
policy
has
matured
into
a
give
and
take
policy
which
has
restored
mutual
respect
since
I
am
willing
to
believe
in
“Live
and
Let
Live”
policy.
My
road
to
emotional
sobriety
has
begun
with
this.
I
have
now
an
opportunity
to
prove
my
sincerity
by
continuous
action,
to
do
the
only
thing
in
which
I
can
reasonably
hope
to
succeed
is
to
improve
myself
towards
realities
of
life
and
my
spiritual
attitudes
.In
olden
days,
alcohol
had
twisted
my
thinking
and
filled
it
with
resentments.
It
had
warped
my
judgment
and
paralyzed
my
usefulness
.
Now
nothing
has
changed
outside,
but
inside,
my
own
attitudes
have
changed
to
better
my
life
in
a
gradual
fashion
hated
everyone
and
the
whole
world,
now
through
god
in
AA/NA,
I
have
replaced
this
emotional
outburst,
into
patience
and
loving
kindness
I
also
learnt
that
in
sobriety/recovery
it
is
alright
to
express
any
legitimate
concerns
on
our
views
without
feeling
guilty
.I
have
also
not
only
found
away
to
serenity
but
a
priceless
formula
for
learning
how
to
live
in
a
positive
way.
I
am
always
touched
by
the
gestures
of
AA/NA
members
and
that
gives
me
immense
serenity.
Contd:4
[4]
The
simple
statement
that
I
make
in
the
meeting
“I
am
an
Alcoholic/Addict”,
eliminates
the
past
fears,
the
frustrations
and
the
feeling
of
helplessness
and
near
hopelessness
has
given
me
the
courage
and
confidence
to
struggle
for
serenity.
I
had
a
lot
of
half
empty,
half-full
problems
and
AA
/NA
has
given
me
the
answers,
by
attending
meetings,
sharing
and
caring
through
the
AA/NA
way
of
life
I
have
learnt
that
depression
and
fear
can
be
overcome.
Through
this
serenity
I
have
understood
and
I
have
been
learning
there
is
much
in
this
world
I
can
understand
and
I
need
to
understand,
which
will
become
easier
each
day
if
I
take
them
“One
Day
At
A
Time”.
If
I
face
myself
in
serenity
through
AA/NA,
I
will
find
freedom
from
bondage
of
self.
R.R.
Sethu.
INDIA
AA/NA
