Addiction

Im a recovering heroin addict who has just deoxed off methadone,(11 sept) was actually my first day without methadone.....so now im off it just over a month and it hasnt been easy, i expected too much from being off methadone but im learning(SLOWLY!) to accecpt that nothing worth having comes easy so im trying hard, really hard to keep clean,happy and positive......

I have done every drug available and more for the last 12 years and im sick an tired AND more. I want to be better and have a 'normal' life. Back in the old days i tried, and tried, and tried, to get as far away from having a normal, 'boring' life and just wanted to do anything that would help me get out of my own head .But now'a'days a normal life seems like the best, most exciting thing i could have and i hope one day soon i get one haha.
In a way i can honestly say i am glad that i know about this other world of drugs...the underground world. For a long, long time, all i wanted to do was be a part of it but now i want to run as fast as i can to get away from it. I have punished myself for so long for putting myself and the people who love and care about me in this position.Whatever about other drugs an the effects thev've had on me, heroin has most definatley been the absloute destroyer of the life i once had. Once i got into the grips of heroin addiction i changed into a complete other person. A person im ashamed of, a person that did so many f@cked up, horrible things that make me feel sick even now when i think of them.Trying to get off gear.... Well Its the hardest thing i have ever had to cope with and still is hard every day. I can honestly say that i wouldnt wish this infliction on me worst enemy , but, i am trying really hard to get away from that life and am proud to say that i havent taken heroin for 4 months. That doesnt mean to say i dont think about doing it every day and dont battle with myself about doing it constantly...becuase i do, but, i know i have to try really really hard to stay away from it no matter how wonderful, beautiful and amazing it is ,i know now what it does to me in the long run - Bad sh*t and turns me into a person i dont ever want to be.



I have thought about being a counsellor for a long time, even when i was young ,so now, i applied for an Addiction studies course which started in septmeber an runs for 1 yr,i had my interview on 9/9/08 and it went really well and i got the course!!. After that,I want to go for the Diploma in Addiction couselling or a social studies course.....I also got accecpted on to do a Youth Action worker course that started 9th oct.Im also volunteering in a youth center and i love it....some of the young people who come there are so inspirational

Its funny, as im writing this it seems crazy that IM actually doing all these things........ and that i actually WANT to do them!!! it couldnt be a more different life than the one i was living only a few months ago.I actually have stuff going on for myself, some sort of plans for the future and even though im still so in-decisive about alot of things i can really say that im happy about all of the above cos i think being stuck in a rut, having no plans except where the next party was and just wanting to run the streets and my own life for as long as i can remember was where alot of my problems started in the first place.

I always feel that my life isnt good enough,that there's something more. Im very emotional. Im hurt easially although i have a thick skin. I feel like an outsider alot. Im doubtful of myself. Im defensive.I make stupid decisions sometimes, i find it hard to let go of my past even though i know its the only obstacle standing in the way of my future. Im also a happy,kind,compassionate,empathatic,hyper,caring person who just wants to be me and im working hard on the bad stuff.........im not happy every day or sad every day, but every day is different and brings with it a diiferent battle that i have to fight off. I find it hard to cope and feel hard done by sometimes but i know i have to get up and get over it even if somedays thats the hardest thing to do somedays.....

I really want to help other people, i want to show others thats their is life outside addiction and drugs , even though its not easy but anything thats REALLY worth having is never easy... (thats something i should try and remember myself!)

My friends/family,talking to people&meeting new people, animals, shopping,the sun...espicially when it shows its face in ireland twice a year!! really love my puppy Jessi, i got her just after i went on to a clinic and some days, when things were really bad, having to look after her was the only thing getting me out of bed.....il love her forever for saving me like that!,reading books-especially true life storys,the summer, being happy, being loved, being IN love,reggae music,my car,sleeping,lying in bed when its raining outside,writing,poetry, addiction tribe...i was never into these sites befoe but its such a good help to me.Thanks everyone for that..x Learning to help other people with their addictions, working with kids-they really make me happy. Helping anyone out any way i can.....

2 faced people, fakeness,liars,having my heart broken,addiction,depression,What drugs can do to peoples lives...its scary,ignorance,fighting,people who look down on other people,ignorance again cos it really pisses me off,bossy people.....(even though i can be one myself sometimes!)Judgemental people-dont judge others untill you have had a good look at yourself or a walk in THEIR shoes.

UB40,Bob Marley,Eddie Halliewll,Sven Vath,Dave Clarke,Christy Moore,The Dubliners,The Pouges,Razorlight, Damien Marley,Kanye West,Rhianna,Kelly Clarkson,Pink Floyd, favorite song- PIMPASS PARADISE, DAMIEN MARLEY. i think that song was written about me!!!!!1

Love true crime books,some fiction& biographys and any true stories.I read alot, i just read PS.I LOVE YOU,THE JOY,STREETWISE,LYN MADDEN-LYNS ESCAPE,NO DEALS,WASTED,STILL STANDING,STREET BOYS,A PIECE OF CAKE-CUPCAKE BROWN,HEROIN,GO ASK ALICE,LOSS OF INNOCENCE.Also liked The Testemant,True CSI,Toni Felloni,Gangland,The General,Crime Lords and am also 'trying' to write my own book!!!!!!!!ha what a joke, well not a joke but i just love writing and maybe some day it will all come together - who knows?!?!

scarface-a classic.pulp fiction,running scared,blow,adam & paul,mary higgins clarke dvds,freddy got fingered,borat,me myself and irene,legally blonde-i have a bit of a soft spot for the 'chick flicks' :)

I dont know if i have any 'real' hobbies... what are hobbies? sports, dancing...?? well i am definatley not a sports person! i guess im into cars, really love animals, im almost a competitive shopper!,love listening to music, going out with my friends.......did used to really enjoy taking drugs but i guess that should be in my 'Dislike' column now?!Writing,modelling,poetry

Youth in Recovery, the NA Way